I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
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If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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