I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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