I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
