I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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