How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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