I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
