Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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