I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm way too hungover for life right now
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
