i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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