me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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