mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
