Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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