Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.