If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
