yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
