does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I've blown a few things in my day
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
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Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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