I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
