You just made me feel so damn special
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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