That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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