I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
