stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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