Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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