God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
