Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
