I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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