I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
This is the high leading the old right now
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
