In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
