I need to stop coming to work sober
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
And then he peed in my hair
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
