did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
