I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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