I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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