I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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