I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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