Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
