he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You were trust falling into bushes
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
