dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
