peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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