are you still at the devil's house?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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