THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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