So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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