That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
