last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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