if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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