oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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