could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
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I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So. Much. Porn.
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