Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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