He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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