I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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