She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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