Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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