I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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