Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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