did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
