in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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