Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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