and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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