I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
