The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
