discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
