I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
