I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
