Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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